[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men