Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I put the p in pants.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!