We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno