What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.