I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You got this…
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!