ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport