Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This why you should mind your business
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.