Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.