Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
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My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”