God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.