Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”