Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.