Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Very good news from my accountant
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
HOW DARE YOU
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice