I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome