Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
You Might Also Like
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
58.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
The Backseat Boys
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”