[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
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Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
screw you
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You wish you had this many chins.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.