Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.