my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
So glad we cleared that up
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.