they should invent a hydrating liquor
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert