You Might Also Like
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I cannot call her anything else now
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?