The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.