LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?