My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
You Might Also Like
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest