You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen