Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
You Might Also Like
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷