Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.