Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo