Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”