**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
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Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.