me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
He-man has a Masters degree
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down