Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.