So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
You Might Also Like
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.