Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
*Seductively hides in the woods
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?