Meanwhile in Portland…
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
#oldknees
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.