“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me in tagged photos
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.