Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either