Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.