“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
crochet youtube is brutal
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
What my back needs
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!