I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Peter Parker Peter Driver
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.