[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
…u ok Nintendo?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.