I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
he looks great for his age
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Breaking news: