Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
#oldknees
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
How wrong was this guy?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Why I divorced her.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.