Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
every single time
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats