Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.