Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
How to find Kentucky on a map
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you