I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes