Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Everyone’s family