I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend