Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
You Might Also Like
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.