If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.