ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Love is always patient and kind.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer