If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
mentally somewhere in italy
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Catercrombie & Fish
Go hard or stay average