Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You Might Also Like
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Godspeed, John Glenn
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better