It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
having children is a pyramid scheme.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.